Banana Pop

You know what I like? I like variety, dammit. You can do whatever you want to this banana. Dip it, roll it, wrap it, drizzle it, eat it, share it, stick it, freeze it, use it, lose it, toss it, take it, love it, own it, work it, halve it, shove it, bite it, save it for later- although you won’t wanna, because this is everything you’ve ever wanted.  This is a half  ’naner with chocolate, coconut, cinnamon, walnuts, macadamia nuts, course sea salt and brown sugar. It’ll make you walk funny, guaranteed. 

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Cauliflower Gruyere Pie

                                         

Boo!  sorry, it’s been a while…

I served this at a dinner party a while ago, and then again at another dinner party, aaand then again at the Penny. It sucks ( when you aren’t putting this in your face.) This savory tart pairs really well with 6 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of champagne, a quart of gin, sambuca, a shot of damiana liquor, and a joint…i’m just sayin’. i mean guessin.’ 

Note: You need the ring of a springform pan to accomplish this freestanding ( boner of a ) crust.

guest boners.

boner.

next morning boner.

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Shoyu Honey and Sesame Cucumber Salad

Cucumber salad is a little summery for this time of year, but this will be the final hurrah….I just can’t let the warmth go yet….I want summer vegetables still….I wanna do it one more time…..with you…..please….I won’t ever bother you again if we can just have one last night together…. what’s that you say? —oh sure, sure! yeah, totally, yeah, I will invite a friend…what? - oh, you mean the british one, with the killer rack that dresses up as a  different version of Brittany Spears every halloween?- yeah, yes, I’ll get her on board. - no bald caps, okay, yeah, got it. Thank you for letting me have ya one more time before it gets cold out there.  G’bye summer…and it’s not that you were the best I’ve had, but it was just so damn HOT.

 This goodbye summer dish is simple. Unlike you. I bet you’re complex…and british. call me.

…Bc I know a lot of chicks that don’t hate that…

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Walnut and Tarragon Stuffed Mushrooms

Ever wake up with your shoes on, mystery bruises, someone else’s cell phone in your bra or with one foot in the pizza? - You MUST be fun! You deserve to know how to make these!

I stuff little guys( whhhaaaaat?) for dinner parties, ORRR you can stuff and serve an entire portobello as a vegetarian entree. Or just stuff whatever you want- with permission of course.

Try shrooms. these ones. 

Serves 4:

4 large portobellos 

1 shallot, minced.

1 pint of baby bellos, with stems, roughly chopped

1/4 cup of mayo

1/2 cup parmesan, grated or whatever you want.

1/2 cup of bread crumb

1/2 cup walnuts

small bunch of tarragon, roughly chopped.

olive oil

sea salt

1. Preheat oven to 350. Clean and stem portobellos, chop stems and add to the baby bellos. On parchment lined tray line up shrooms, cappy side up, coat with olive oil and pinch of sea salt, roast for 10 minutes.

2. Stove top, in large heavy bottomed skillet, over medium heat, add a drizzle of olive oil and your shallots,  saute for a few minutes and add your chopped shrooms, adding more oil if needed. Saute for 10 minutes, remove from heat and add the rest of the ingredients, mix, season to taste.

3. Fill your large portobellos with plenty of filling. Throw ‘em back in the oven and bake for 10 more minutes. Top with extra parm and tarragon if you so desire.

* Make this GF with GF breadcrumbs

Really Slutty Icebox Cake

If there is a reason you are not, or can not, have sex- then you can make this, and eat this, and you will be ok… but easy does it my friends, this cake is but a makeshift dam for the flood that is your desire to bang bang bang. Use in a state of emergency- Like Perfume. When you are out of vodka. 

 I wiki’d icebox cake so, here: The back-of-the-box recipe on Nabisco Famous Chocolate Wafers indicates that the wafers are stacked to form a log with whipped cream cementing them together, and then the log is laid on its side. A second log is formed and the two are set side-by-side and more whipped cream covers the exterior. The cake is then left overnight in the refrigerator (or “icebox”). The wafers absorb moisture from the whipped cream and the whole can be served in slices. The dessert is usually served by cutting it into slices at a 45-degree angle, so bands of chocolate and cream are visible across each slice. The traditional wafers are the Nabisco Famous Chocolate Wafers, but they can be hard to find so other cookies are often substituted……WHICH I DID! I USED OREOS AND GRAHAM CRACKERS MOTHER FUCKERS!! I KNOW! DO ME! WOOO! - This is partially what makes this icebox cake sluttier than your grandma(s’ version of the icebox cake.) This is the done up, best tranny on your block, of icebox cakes-all the bells and whistles; the heels, the lipstick, the jewels, the extra long hair extentions, the falsies, and the falsies, even a mother fucking toe ring. UH, YEAH, WHAT.  

Here are my insides…. 

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Sweet Cream Cheese, Berry and Sorrel Pastry

I went home with this on the first date. 

-And we are still together.

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Chocolate Croissant Bread Pudding with STUFF

I am a freak for bread pudding. My legs are behind my head just thinking about it. 

 What constitutes someone as a legit freak are the accessories they obtain, right?- RIGHT. You can say you are a freak all you want but  you show me the whip and gag then I actually believe you…and run…faster…. toward you. Sike. Well, maybe….I don’t know yet.  Aaaaanyways, the more accoutrements, the freakier, yeah? So the additions to this, already DOM of a bread pudding recipe, really puts it on the map. The map showing you the way to freaky town. Chocolate Croissant Bread Pudding should be served with fresh whip, pisatchio ice cream, blueberries and some napkins- to wipe off your seat. Possibly a cigarette,  and a nice robe. 

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Buddha Bowl

The reason why fetishes are bizarre is three fold-

1. What the hell is wrong with you, that shit is crazy,  2. Sometimes you make ME feel crazy too bc I sort of get it,  3. The most bat shit, wacko, fetish hounds are nearly undetectable at first glance- you don’t know who’s into what!

So, fetishes- The spectrum is wide, and the variety unmatched. People can get into anything and everything. Blows my mind. -And different things do it for different people. Not one fetish suits all.

If you have multiple fetishes, or “interests,” introduce one at a time, don’t hit’ em with crazy all at once. You don’t wanna scare people. Ya gotta ease ‘em into your fetish game. I guess I don’t really mind most of the non- threatening ones either. ( I would say, “NEVER!”- but hey, don’t be an asshole, give it a shot, right?!) As a dater myself, I encourage most to stick to fairly generic first moves, as well as pretty tame conversation on the first couple outings - Like, if we walk by a feather on the ground, try not to call it a “tickle stick.” -Or maybe share your interest in bellybuttons a couple dates in… give it time is all.

 Now, there are a few exceptions, without really getting into it too much, this Buddha Bowl includes every fetish I have, and I am gonna give it to ya all at once …. Don’t think about that too hard, just hang from that meat hook and go with it.

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Strawberry & Spiced Shortcakes with Honey Whip

If I knew this was roofied, I’d still eat it.

-and hope it would call the next day.

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“Vegetarian Dinner”

(Cabbage patch Dad’s worst nightmare.)

Workin’ on a cookbook, ya into it?

Photo by Amelia Hayashi Michaud